Holidays

We celebrated Christmas with David and Michelle on Sunday. Tomorrow we will video chat with Bekah and Nick. Maybe talk to my dad and sister.

Family spread out all over the place. Not like it used to be when we lived in CA and the whole family lived within 60 miles of each other.  Or even when we lived in Vegas and the kids and I drove down.  Everyone went to mom & dads for every holiday and watched 9 wild kids run around like crazy. Sometimes a foster baby or two to cuddle. Gift opening was always insane! I usually went home with a headache from all the noise. Nothing Tylenol couldn't help. Then a couple hours later, mom would call me, missing everyone, and we'd talk about the day and she'd mention some dish she'd forgot to put out for the meal.

Those holidays were always epic; most good, some not so good, all of them mellowed with time. I used to swear I'd never miss them. LOL Now I ache for them. Mostly, I ache for my mom, and my dad (the way he used to be).

I know things have to change. It is inevitable. But no one said I have to like it.

Friendship

I lost a friend today.  She was rushed to the hospital yesterday morning and those of us who called her friend spent at least 30 hours praying hard for her healing.  We didn't get the answer we hoped for.  It was her time to go, I suppose.

I never met her in person, we have been friends on facebook for several years, drawn together by our common love of dachshunds.  I don't think we even talked on the phone together, but we chatted on facebook often enough.  She lived in a different City and State than I.

She went through a terrible trauma a couple years ago, and I did my best to support her.  She has been on my daily prayer list for quite some time.  Now I'll be praying for her husband and children.

Social media has brought friendship to a new dimension.  It is possible to be good friends with someone you have never met.  But I really wish I had gotten the pleasure and privilege of meeting her in person.

I think death brings a of of unanswered questions.  I wonder, was I a good enough friend?  Did I support her and pray for her enough?  She was selling Tupperware and asked a couple times if I needed or wanted any.  I have enough to last me a lifetime so I said no.  Now I wish I had bought some from her.  Was I a bad friend because I didn't?  Was there something she needed from me that I was too blind to see?  Should I have talked to her more?

I doubt I'll ever know the answer to those questions, but I am very hard on myself so I will probably chastise myself for a long time.  I just ask my Lord to help me become more sensitive to others around me and those I interact with on Facebook. 
 

Invisible

I am invisible.  I have been since I was young.  The only time anyone sees me is if they want something from me.  There is one exception and that is my daughter.  She loves me for who I am, warts and all, and even likes being around me.  I appreciate that.  It is a shame I live so far away from her.

Most of the time I don't mind being invisible.  I am older, overweight, and my beauty was lost in my youth.  No one really wants to look at me.  I don't even like seeing my reflection. I can't blame them.

I know God sees me.  I meet with Him almost every morning in my quiet time and, often, He speaks to me the things I need to hear.  I feel His love for me, as well.  

As a woman who chose to be a stay-at-home mom, life was very busy with raising my children and homeschooling them.  We were always doing something with church, the homeschool group, sports, friends, and especially extended family.  I look back and I truly don't know how I did it all!  But I was invisible then, too.  Everything was for the kids.  I took a few part-time jobs here and there to help out, but they always were at home, or included the kids.  Mostly, I gave my life to my family.  

In 2005, my oldest got married and my youngest graduated from high school and went to Cosmetology school.  They didn't need me anymore.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I got a part-time job at a retail store and worked jigsaw puzzles in my down time. I felt like I was simply waiting to die.

2007 through 2013 was a whirlwind of ups and downs, mostly downs.  I was tossed to and fro by the devil, and God sifted me as I have never been sifted.  I planned my suicide, but God came to me and told me that I could try, but He would not allow me to die.  I would simply become a burden to my family.  

In 2013, we lost almost everything.  Our home, a job, a couple of family members.  We ended up half a country away from our life.  God blessed me with being in shock for several months so that I could get used to the new life, alone in a new city with an alcoholic spouse.  One of our kids moved here a couple years ago, but we rarely see him.  We have medical bills and school loans weighing down hard on us.  Mike left his job in December, got another, was fired from that job and was unemployed for 6 1/2 weeks and found another job making almost $400 less per WEEK than before.  We were barely holding on then, now is just a joke.  And the bills still demand being paid.  I have a small home business that God literally dropped in my lap 5 years ago, but that has slowed to a mere trickle.  I have physical and mental ailments that keep me from getting an outside job.  Yet, I believe I am where God wants me.  I still entertain suicide, but I know God doesn't want that.  So I wait.  I pray.  I hope for a miracle.  And I remain invisible to the outside world.

Addiction

My life has been controlled by addictions, either my own or others, since I was born.  There was dysfunction and addiction in my family as I grew up.  When I became a young adult, I realized that I had the propensity to become addicted to alcohol.  It scared me because I had seen what alcohol and drugs had done to some that I loved.  I made a decision to stay as far away from alcohol as possible.

After Mike and I were engaged, I was pleased to see that Mike had an aversion to drinking, as well.  He was adamantly against it.  After we got married, he began college, studying to be a pastor and was the assistant and youth pastor at our church.  I couldn't have been more pleased.

The day we brought home our first child, Mike said he was going to go buy me a gift.  He left the house and was gone a very long time.  When he finally came home, he was drunk.  His drinking was sporadic, but grew over the years.  I knew it was a problem when our second child was three years old.  We talked about it and he vehemently denied it. 

As the children got older, Mike's drinking got so much worse and he would drive drunk with the children in the car.  I got mad, I talked, I threatened, and nothing helped.  He was in complete denial. 

In 2012, Mike was arrested for a DUI at 10:30 in the morning.  He sought counseling and we had family counseling.  Nothing helped.  It wasn't until the fall of 2018, when he enrolled in a program with the Catholic hospital in our area, that he finally got real help.  To my knowledge, he has not drank since completing the program.

I have my own addictions, as well.  I eat too much.  I had a shopping addiction until God took away the extra income that allowed me to shop.  I had a problem with anger and rage for a long time.  The shopping, anger, and rage issues have subsided, mostly, but I still overeat.  I am trying to control this with the help of the Holy Spirit.  I limit purchasing snacks.  I only allow one sweet in the house at a time. My next step is to get the dogs out walking on a daily basis. 

I believe addictions are the devil's way of keeping families torn apart and keeping believers in Christ from serving Him well.  I have seen it in my family, in myself.  The guilt I have from my addictions keeps me from living the best life I can.  These issues are a main topic of my journals and my time every morning with Jesus.  With His help, I know I can overcome these issues.  Life is hard, pray harder, spend more time with Jesus.

Awake

I lay awake tonight thinking about my life.  There are still things I want to do and places I want to go, but I have made poor choices in the past nineteen years and finances and health keep me from doing a lot of the things I want.  I have no one to blame but myself, although I am good at blaming other people.

I wonder if I can say I have lived well in my fifty-eight years?  I have done a lot of things, been a few places, raised two kids into adulthood, done a lot of volunteer work, and sometimes tried to live a life that was pleasing to Jesus.  I have hobbies and a small sewing business.  I plant and tend a decent size garden every year.  

I want to write.  I feel like I have insights that could be shared.  There are so many things I have been through that could be used as a cautionary tale for others.  Over the years I have started and stopped writing a book that I suppose will never be finished.  I have started and stopped several times in the writing of this blog.  I do write in my journal every morning, as a part of my time with Jesus.  I learned to journal about ten years ago when I was going through a difficult time.  I found great solace in writing all my feelings; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I realized that Jesus is bigger and stronger than all of my emotions and He was not surprised by any of them.  Writing has been therapeutic for me.  I will continue to write, if only for my own personal benefit, and pray that someone might be touched through this blog.