Invisible

I am invisible.  I have been since I was young.  The only time anyone sees me is if they want something from me.  There is one exception and that is my daughter.  She loves me for who I am, warts and all, and even likes being around me.  I appreciate that.  It is a shame I live so far away from her.

Most of the time I don't mind being invisible.  I am older, overweight, and my beauty was lost in my youth.  No one really wants to look at me.  I don't even like seeing my reflection. I can't blame them.

I know God sees me.  I meet with Him almost every morning in my quiet time and, often, He speaks to me the things I need to hear.  I feel His love for me, as well.  

As a woman who chose to be a stay-at-home mom, life was very busy with raising my children and homeschooling them.  We were always doing something with church, the homeschool group, sports, friends, and especially extended family.  I look back and I truly don't know how I did it all!  But I was invisible then, too.  Everything was for the kids.  I took a few part-time jobs here and there to help out, but they always were at home, or included the kids.  Mostly, I gave my life to my family.  

In 2005, my oldest got married and my youngest graduated from high school and went to Cosmetology school.  They didn't need me anymore.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I got a part-time job at a retail store and worked jigsaw puzzles in my down time. I felt like I was simply waiting to die.

2007 through 2013 was a whirlwind of ups and downs, mostly downs.  I was tossed to and fro by the devil, and God sifted me as I have never been sifted.  I planned my suicide, but God came to me and told me that I could try, but He would not allow me to die.  I would simply become a burden to my family.  

In 2013, we lost almost everything.  Our home, a job, a couple of family members.  We ended up half a country away from our life.  God blessed me with being in shock for several months so that I could get used to the new life, alone in a new city with an alcoholic spouse.  One of our kids moved here a couple years ago, but we rarely see him.  We have medical bills and school loans weighing down hard on us.  Mike left his job in December, got another, was fired from that job and was unemployed for 6 1/2 weeks and found another job making almost $400 less per WEEK than before.  We were barely holding on then, now is just a joke.  And the bills still demand being paid.  I have a small home business that God literally dropped in my lap 5 years ago, but that has slowed to a mere trickle.  I have physical and mental ailments that keep me from getting an outside job.  Yet, I believe I am where God wants me.  I still entertain suicide, but I know God doesn't want that.  So I wait.  I pray.  I hope for a miracle.  And I remain invisible to the outside world.