Swinging

As a kid, I was always in motion; I never stopped moving.  My sweet daughter was like that when she was little, too.  She could not even sit in a chair without falling out!  =)  When I went to school, I lived for recess so I could be swinging on the swing set.  When I got a little older, my favorite thing was to climb the monkey bar, throw one leg over, and go round and round for as long as I could.  I was not afraid of anything.  At night, I would bounce my head on my pillow until I fell asleep.

We moved to another city when I was 10 and, although I didn't play on the monkey bars as I had, I still loved motion and swinging was my favorite thing to do.  Since I loved to run, I thought I might join the track team in junior high, but that never happened.  I was in marching band from seventh grade through my senior year in high school and I loved it.  I was in motion, one way or another, all my childhood.

I still love to be in motion and swinging is still my favorite.  When I had my babies, an aunt gave us a rocking chair and I spent many happy hours rocking my babies.  When standing and holding my kids, I developed the 'mom-sway' swaying back and forth.  When my kids were little and we would go to the park, I would swing with them.  When we moved in 2000, we had a large patio in our back yard, so I got a porch swing.  Oh, how I LOVED that swing!  I would sit outside in all kinds of weather and swing!  Often I would have a dog sitting beside me.  If it was storming, I would pretend to direct the strikes of lightning as I would swing.  My sister was visiting once when I did that and she called me Merlin.  

We moved again in 2013 (three times!), and I had to leave behind my beloved swing.  I hated leaving it.  When we finally got settled in the house we live in now, we had no money for anything besides rent, bills, and a little food.  There was no hope of getting a swing here.  We struggled financially, even though I was working.  Through my quiet times with God, I felt compelled to quit my job.  After I quit, finances became easier but there was still no money for a swing.

This year, I mentioned on my Facebook page how much I missed my swing.  A couple weeks later, a huge box was delivered to my door.  My sweet son and his sweet wife got me a swing for Mother's Day!  That weekend, Mike put it together and I have been swinging ever since.  

There is something soothing and healing about the motion of swinging.  I am not really sure what it is, but it soothes something in my brain.  If I am tense, I swing fast; if I am calm, I swing more slowly.  But every day I swing. I am so very grateful to my kids for giving me that swing.  And grateful to God for orchestrating the gift.

Weakness

I never used to be weak.  I was able to handle just about every thing life, my husband, and the devil threw at me.  I was not easy, mind you, but I handled it.  I am sure God was with me, giving me strength, but I am not sure I ever gave Him credit.  I was independent and strong.

Then my kids grew up and did not need me and I did not need to be independent and strong for them anymore.  I did recognize my need for a better relationship with God and asked for that.  So God changed the game plan for my life.  The troubles life, my husband, and the devil threw at me were no longer enough to get my attention.  God brought in the big guns: a certain alleged counselor and then my dad. They were used and equipped by the devil to bring about havoc in my life. 

These two men were allowed to attack me at the deepest core of my being, rendering me completely weak and helpless and I am convinced they relished every moment of my destruction.  All the while, God held me and comforted me and taught me what I needed to learn from their brutality and insensitivity.  

God taught me to be weak and embrace that weakness and that weakness is not a bad thing when it teaches me to lean fully on Him.  God has become the loving, caring Daddy that I can fully trust; one that I never had.

Am I a perfect creation now?  By no means!  However, I am at peace in my relationship with God and Jesus Christ and they continue to teach me on a daily basis.  What more could I ask?

Is It Enough?

I'm going to reorganize my kitchen...again...and was looking for the wire shelves I had in Henderson. I can only find 4; I had 6 or 7 (at least) back home.

Every now and then I am struck with sadness for all the things I lost in 2013. It was a horrible year. Then I find something small and wonder, of all the things that didn't make it through all the moves that year, how in the world did THIS make it? I keep reminding myself that it is only stuff and that, someday when we have a little money again, I might be able to replace it; but the grief is still there.

I lost more than stuff. I lost close physical proximity with my kids and sister. I lost a home. I lost a volunteer job I LOVED! I lost a bit of my sanity (no joke). I lost a close relationship with a parent. I lost the joy of being able to live in my Mom's beautiful home, working in her garden, being near her spirit. I lost the joy of being near my best friend again. I lost another couple of friends completely through their betrayal. I was sifted like sand through loose mesh and there is not much left. The little that is left is being reshaped and molded by God into something new and it is not always a pleasant experience. I keep reminding myself to be grateful for the little that is left and that God cares enough about me to reshape and mold me into a (hopefully) better person. I am a shell of who I used to be and I am holding onto God with all I have. It is enough.