Addiction

My life has been controlled by addictions, either my own or others, since I was born.  There was dysfunction and addiction in my family as I grew up.  When I became a young adult, I realized that I had the propensity to become addicted to alcohol.  It scared me because I had seen what alcohol and drugs had done to some that I loved.  I made a decision to stay as far away from alcohol as possible.

After Mike and I were engaged, I was pleased to see that Mike had an aversion to drinking, as well.  He was adamantly against it.  After we got married, he began college, studying to be a pastor and was the assistant and youth pastor at our church.  I couldn't have been more pleased.

The day we brought home our first child, Mike said he was going to go buy me a gift.  He left the house and was gone a very long time.  When he finally came home, he was drunk.  His drinking was sporadic, but grew over the years.  I knew it was a problem when our second child was three years old.  We talked about it and he vehemently denied it. 

As the children got older, Mike's drinking got so much worse and he would drive drunk with the children in the car.  I got mad, I talked, I threatened, and nothing helped.  He was in complete denial. 

In 2012, Mike was arrested for a DUI at 10:30 in the morning.  He sought counseling and we had family counseling.  Nothing helped.  It wasn't until the fall of 2018, when he enrolled in a program with the Catholic hospital in our area, that he finally got real help.  To my knowledge, he has not drank since completing the program.

I have my own addictions, as well.  I eat too much.  I had a shopping addiction until God took away the extra income that allowed me to shop.  I had a problem with anger and rage for a long time.  The shopping, anger, and rage issues have subsided, mostly, but I still overeat.  I am trying to control this with the help of the Holy Spirit.  I limit purchasing snacks.  I only allow one sweet in the house at a time. My next step is to get the dogs out walking on a daily basis. 

I believe addictions are the devil's way of keeping families torn apart and keeping believers in Christ from serving Him well.  I have seen it in my family, in myself.  The guilt I have from my addictions keeps me from living the best life I can.  These issues are a main topic of my journals and my time every morning with Jesus.  With His help, I know I can overcome these issues.  Life is hard, pray harder, spend more time with Jesus.

Awake

I lay awake tonight thinking about my life.  There are still things I want to do and places I want to go, but I have made poor choices in the past nineteen years and finances and health keep me from doing a lot of the things I want.  I have no one to blame but myself, although I am good at blaming other people.

I wonder if I can say I have lived well in my fifty-eight years?  I have done a lot of things, been a few places, raised two kids into adulthood, done a lot of volunteer work, and sometimes tried to live a life that was pleasing to Jesus.  I have hobbies and a small sewing business.  I plant and tend a decent size garden every year.  

I want to write.  I feel like I have insights that could be shared.  There are so many things I have been through that could be used as a cautionary tale for others.  Over the years I have started and stopped writing a book that I suppose will never be finished.  I have started and stopped several times in the writing of this blog.  I do write in my journal every morning, as a part of my time with Jesus.  I learned to journal about ten years ago when I was going through a difficult time.  I found great solace in writing all my feelings; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I realized that Jesus is bigger and stronger than all of my emotions and He was not surprised by any of them.  Writing has been therapeutic for me.  I will continue to write, if only for my own personal benefit, and pray that someone might be touched through this blog.