Trials

I had an adoption event today.  It went really well and I think most of our dogs will find homes because of it.  The drive from the Petsmart on Charleston, by way of the 215, is a very calming drive and conducive to reflection; so I spent the time thinking.  I was also listening to an Andrew Peterson CD; his music is deep and thought-provoking and makes me want to be a better person.

The line of thought on my drive home was about my life and what an emotional mess I was growing up, after I got married, and while I was raising my kids.  It was one emotional rollercoaster after another.  I wanted everything and everyone (especially myself!) to be perfect and that made matters worse.  There were several circumstances that added to my inability to cope, emotionally: having lived through abuse as a kid; having atrial fibrillation from the time I was twenty, but not understanding it; living with an alcoholic; and going through premature menopause when my kids were very young.

The a-fib was misdiagnosed as supraventratachycardia (SVT) and I was told it was not life threatening.  I learned to live with it, but in the 1990’s I began to have serious panic attacks which made the a-fib worse and kept me from sleeping most nights.  It was not until December 2009 that I was told it was a-fib and that it can be life threatening, but I was put on some really good medications that help tremendously.

I soldiered through early onset menopause with no help or understanding from anyone, except my mom, who had endured the same thing.  It was horrible.  Even my doctors were in denial that it could happen to me.

So, while I endured seriously difficult times, I was still expected to hold myself together, put up with an alcoholic husband, raise my kids basically alone, and be a nice person.  I failed miserably.  I was tense, stressed, and upset all of the time.  

Then came the notorious events of September 2007-October 2010, when a certain ‘counselor’ did all in his power to destroy me, personally, and my family.  For a time, it worked.  He wreaked such havoc that certain family members did not speak to each other for months and years.  The ‘counselor’ meant everything for evil, but God took the situation that truly began out of sheer stupidity on my, and my husband’s, part and is using it to reshape us into decent human beings that He might be able to use someday.  

From April/May 2008 to the spring of 2010, I was completely broken.  There was not a speck of me that had not been touched by grief and depression.  I cannot pinpoint a moment where things began to turn around, but I believe it was the two Theology classes I took that spring and summer of 2010 that opened my eyes to Who God is and what He does with our grief and trauma.  Of all the classes I have taken at Liberty University, in my effort to earn a degree in Religion, those two classes have been the absolute best. 

Life is still such a struggle, but in December 2012, I was convicted to begin daily Bible reading and I began in Psalms.  I was struck by my reading at how worthless I feel and how untrusting I still am, of people in general and God.  That caused me to pursue reading some of Beth Moore’s books.  The one I read every day is called Believing God Day By Day.  It is a devotional book that has a passage for each day of the year.  In the reading for January 10 Beth Moore writes:

I will shake the house of Israel among all the nations, as one shakes a sieve, but not a pebble will fall to the ground.  Amos 9:9

The first ten years I spent in the Word, I believed that every doctrinal view I held was absolutely right and all others were unquestionably wrong.  I was an aerobics teacher at our church, for crying out loud.  I worked out all morning and studied Scripture all afternoon.

But one way God widened my world was by pitching me out of the gym and into the heat of a spiritual war.  I spent the next several years in intensive care with God as He began rebuilding me from the inside out so I could teach harder lessons but with a softer spirit.  Don’t be surprised if He does the same for you.

My “house” was seriously shaken.  God sifted me as I have never been sifted before and hope never to be sifted again!  I have been a believer in Christ since my teen years and as a young adult, I recommitted to living for Him.  I went to church.  I homeschooled my children because I believed that was His will.  I led a High School Awana group for six years.  And then I fell for the lies of Satan coming from a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I was sifted.  God “pitched” me out of my false sense of security and taught me lessons about myself that I hope never to forget.  I am still in God’s “intensive care” unit, but I have come far enough to see Him at work and even see that I am not the same person I used to be. 

All of this led up to my thoughts on the drive home today.  As I pondered what a hideous mess I have been all my life, I realized that I am not like that any longer; at least for the most part.  It took the complete breaking and shattering of my life for God to get my attention.  It took my completely giving up control of all aspects of my life (self, husband, children, extended family) to realize I never had control anyway.  I cannot do anything to help my alcoholic husband, except pray for him.  My children are adults; while I never knowingly or willingly tried to control them as they became adults, I did when they were kids.  But my grasp on them now is even looser than it was before September 2007.  Their choices are their own to live with, as my choices are my own. 

 

I have a long way to go.  I will never be perfect.  I will always be a flawed human being and will probably still do stupid stuff, but God has given me hope that I do have a positive future and that I might even come to believe that I have some worth in this life.  He showed me today that I am not the same person I was in 2007; I am a calmer, kinder, more tolerant person, and that is only because He took the most traumatic events of my life and allowed me to be shattered and broken so He could remake me.  I will be forever grateful.