Life Experiences

It was five years ago that a certain ‘counselor’ invaded our lives and did his best to destroy every shred of our family, including some of our extended family.  He meant it for evil, but God used it for our benefit and to teach us some strong lessons about ourselves and our family.  I am still learning lessons from that time.

The summer of 2008 (after Mike and I broke off all communication with this ‘counselor’) found me in the deepest despair I had ever encountered.  I planned my suicide.  As I lay on my bed, shut away inside my mind, Jesus came to me.  He said that I could attempt to go through with my plan, but He would not allow me to die.  I would, however, become a burden to my family in a comatose state.  I wish I could say that moment turned my whole life around and caused the despair to leave, but it did not.  I sold my car to help pay off some of the massive debt we incurred as a result of our failed ‘counseling’.  I stayed home, not daring to venture out of the house, except on the rare occasion I needed to go to the grocery store.  Even then, sometimes I would not make it past the intersection close to our home because of a panic attack.  I would turn around and come home, giving Mike the list of things we needed.  My life was lived within the confines of my home and back yard.  I communicated with very few people and was supported by even fewer.  I did manage to visit my parents in California, but not as often as I did before.  I had to learn all over how to trust people.  There are still only a few people I trust completely.

During this time of confinement, I continued to go to school.  However, I changed my major from Counseling to Religion, since counseling was not my dream, but the ‘counselor’s’.  I learned so much about my faith and God and myself.  I also learned, and am still learning, to write; which is something I wish to do full time in the future.

Some say that believing on Jesus is a crutch.  A person with a broken leg or paralyzed legs needs a crutch or a wheelchair, yet we do not criticize them for that.  Cancer patients rely on their doctors for help, yet we do not criticize them for that.  My heart was completely shattered.  I needed Jesus!  So yes, Jesus is my crutch; even still today.

My mom had a huge part in reconciling certain family members, who had not spoken to me in two and a half years, with the rest of us.  I went to California for my birthday in 2010 and, knowing where this family member worked, my mom told me that we were going to go see him.  She gave me no option.  I stood back as she approached him, unwilling to be hurt again, and she waved her arms at me to come hug him.  It was a tentative beginning, but we see each other fairly often now.  I am so grateful to my mom for her insistence.

I did several things to force myself out of my home.  I tried, unsuccessfully, to get a job.  I sold Avon.  I went to church and women’s Bible studies.  Each resulted in more isolation because of my lack of trust in people.  

In 2011, after the death of my precious Cocker Spaniel, Buster, I felt lost.  I saw that the Las Vegas Hot Diggity Dachshund Club and Rescue was in need of foster parents, so I applied.  I got my first foster dog, Butch, at the end of August.  Then our sweet Cocker Spaniel, Dudley, died.  Fostering filled the void left by my sweet boys.  Then I was asked to volunteer as the Adoption Coordinator.  This position has done wonders in getting me out of my home, meeting new people, making friends, ands bringing me out of myself.  Best of all, I get to work with dogs, which has long been my passion!

In April 2012, my mom passed away.  Her death brought with it some setbacks in my emotional health.  It brought so much turmoil with me, my Dad, my brother and my sister.  We all were hurting and tended to take it out on each other.  I am working on this, with God’s help, and learning how to protect myself while fully loving my family.  It is not easy!

Am I ‘all better’ now?  Far from it!  We continue to suffer repercussions from five years ago in respect to our addictions, emotions, relationships with each other and God, and our finances.  It is an uphill battle that we have to fight every single day.  We have to remember to not get lazy and think we are good now, because the minute we do that is when we slip and fall, sometimes crashing and burning.  I am grateful to my ‘crutch’, Jesus.  Without Him, I will never make it.